Sunday, May 31, 2009

California & Things I Can't Do

My mom, my sister, and I recently ventured westward to California. I had never been, and now I have. I can officially check California off of my list of places to visit and things to do... My "bucket list", if you will. Though, I don't like the term "bucket list" because it assumes the inevitible... And I intend to live forever... so far, so good.
It was on my trip to LA, CA that I discovered something about myself... I can't do a lot of things. I realized this on my first day and decided to document my findings throughout my trip.

Exhibit A: Breakdance
I lack all that it takes to breakdance: agility, flexibility, balance, toned triceps, a vertical jump over 8 inches, a background in Lithuanian gymnastics, and a friend willing to practice this move with me.
Exhibit B: This...
I can barely hold a handstand for more than 4 seconds. I'm also not from Russia, and I don't own red velvet pants. My wardobe simply doesn't allow for acrobatic things such as this.
Exhibit C: Fly
Though I am not scared of heights, I lack wings and access to a windtunnel pictured here.
Exhibit D: Bellydance
I've actually never attempted bellydancing. And I never plan to try. So, for the sake of everyone involved, let's just assume that I can't.

Other things I can't do (not pictured):
- Waterski - Believe me, I've tried.
- Wink - It's both unusual and a little sad.
- Add 6+7 without mentally breaking down the 6 into 3 & 3, adding the 3+7 and then adding the final 3 to finally = 13. Mental block.
- Watch hospital TV shows without passing out.

Alright, enough about my flaws. Rather than dwell on the things I can't do, I've decided to start my days with a delightful cup of coffee (pictured below) and try to focus on the things I can do. Like make coffee (or in this case, drink coffee), french-braid hair, climb Pinnacle mountain without pause, read for hours on end at Barnes & Noble, quote The Office in real-life situations, and live to blog about it.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Absolutely I do

I was once asked to describe my ideal man in 5 words. Welp, I don't need 5 words... I can do it in 2: JIM HALPERT. I know what you're thinking... he's fictional. But a girl can dream, right? Right. I've made a few bullet points on why Jim Halpert sets the bar.

  • From an early age, I was taught to set my bar high. As a result, I've set mine at about 6'3", 210 lbs.
  • If we were to play a friendly game of basketball, I feel like he is more than capable of beating me.
  • We would be really good at making fun of people together.
  • He constantly pulls pranks on people, proving that we both believe that people take themselves too seriously.
  • People make really low quality Youtube videos about him with bad fonts, typos, and terrible background music. And yet, I cry every time. See the following:
  • Also, I like to think that he loves Jesus. What a coincidence, so do I!
Who has 2 thumbs and everything I could ever want in a man?
This guy.
Who has 2 thumbs and should take some tips from this guy?
All men with thumbs.

Monday, May 18, 2009

So far, so good

I make no claims of being a fashionista, but it doesn't take a fashionista to argue against certain sets of footwear. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about comfort, but here's the deal... there are lots of shoes out there that are comfortable and not hideous. I'm probably going to offend some people with this post, because chances are good that you own at least 1 of these 3 pairs of shoes. I'm aware of that, so consider yourself warned. That's the thing with this blog, there's no censorship. If you can't handle it, I suggest you get out of the way because someone might get hurt... and it's not going to be me.

That being said, my concerns are three-fold: Uggs, Chacos, Crocs.

1) Uggs - If the name alone doesn't raise a red flag, then the sight of them should. Sure, they are warm, soft, and cuddly. Lots of things are, but I don't usually wear them on my feet. I'll agree that they make the rest of your legs look small... hence, somewhat flattering. But at the expense of making one's ankles look like tree-trunks. That's not a risk that I, personally, am willing to take. Call me insecure, but it is what it is.

Speaking of "expense", I'd rather not pay $200 for any pair of boots, least of all, moon-boots... At that cost, those boots better have been ripped straight off the feet of Neil Armstrong and put on the market. However, if you just can't resist the urge to spend large amounts of money on hideous shoes, then please... I beg you... stick to the tan Uggs. Baby pink and baby blue are not a good look for anyone over the age of 7.

2) Chacos - Acceptable for camp/camping/hiking. So, unless you are planning on canoeing and/or hiking to class, I don't want to see them. Most people say that they are ideal for water-related activities. BUT those things are heavy! I fear that if chacos were on my feet and I jumped (or was pushed) into a body of water, I would sink straight to the bottom of said body of water. And I obviously wouldn't be able to loosen the anvils off of my feet because of all those darn straps. So as for water-sports, I'll risk the rocks and go barefoot, thanks. Shoot, I'll even break out my old Water-Mocassins for a canoeing trip, just so people know that I'm not trying to be stylish... just looking out for my feet.

3) Crocs - There shouldn't be much protest here. It's no secret that crocs are repulsive. And though they are light-weight and put off an image as though they are a better option than chacos, you couldn't be more wrong. I'd take chacos over crocs any day of the week... hypothetically. I hope it never comes to that.

There are 2 places for Crocs: 1) the garden... 2) on the shelf of the store, unpurshased by sensible people.

I've noticed the Croc company has started to create various forms of Crocs, as though the first form wasn't awful enough. But I think... scratch that... I know that they crossed the line with fur-lined crocs for the winter months. No winter will ever be so harsh, that I revert to fur-lined crocs to keep my feet warm and cozy. The first form of Crocs was okay... and by "okay" I mean that it was a reasonably terrible idea that the general public happened to fall for. But, I don't like when people try too hard to sell a product. The fur is pushing it. Pushed me right over the edge.

With that off of my chest, I should probably apologize to Sarah Scott. She owns all of the above... multiple pairs of each. Sarah, you have to know that this is not personal. After all, this is just one girl's opinion. I pray that I'm not the only one, but I very-well might be.

There you have it. I have a goal to never own any of the shoes listed above... So far, so good.

Now... Toms... there's a train I'll jump on. And provide new kicks for kids in Africa while I'm at it. Comfortable and philanthropic. All aboard.

Friday, May 8, 2009

A Dios

I am going to do my best to maintain a certain level of seriousness with this post. It's something that has never been done before with my blog, but I feel that it might be time. After all, this is no laughing matter... I'm leaving the country! You see, I am living in Guatemala for 6 weeks this summer, June 8 - July 20.

I am interning at a church in Guatemala City called la Iglesia BĂ­blica Lomas del Norte. This is one of the few times in my life that I feel like I'm going where the Lord indisputably wants me to be. Although I am intimidated by the language barrier, I'm excited to finally put my 8 years of Spanish to use and see how quickly I catch onto the language. I really feel drawn to Latin America, and I hope to find out why that is such a passion of mine this summer.

Over the past year, I have become a firm believer in the incredible power of prayer. It is such a comfort to know that so many people will be praying for my journey to Guatemala. I am traveling alone, but I will not be able to do anything without the awesome power of prayer behind me. I've mapped out the areas that I'm nervous about and the things that I want to accomplish. SO, if you are thinking of me, I hope you will pray these things:

  • Language barrier - I pray to become comfortable with the language so I can really relate to the people there. I know that I don't have to go there and speak eloquently, or even fluently, as long as the Lord is with me. 1 Corinthians 2:5 reminds me that my faith doesn't rest on man's wisdom, but on God's power.
  • Friendships - I pray in advance that I'll make friends, especailly ones that will challenge me spiritually. I find so much delight in hearing other people's stories. I want to understand their stories and be able to share my own story in return.
  • Alone time - I will be having a lot of alone time, I'm sure. I want to grow during that quiet, intimate time with the Lord.
  • Ministry - I want to find abounding delight in serving and advancing the Kingdom. I pray that my heart and my mind will be prepared for the work to be done there.
  • Talents - I want to embrace the talents I've been given, use them, and multiply them for the Kingdom.
...... Don't feel obligated... but if you have a little more time to pray......
  • I really fear that they are going to try to make me play soccer. If this fear becomes reality, it will inevitably lead to humiliation, and ulitimately, to being picked last in every game. My athleticism is going to be up for question, and I'm not comfortable with that. Good thing we will be playing basketball, too. I pray for opportunities to redeem myself.
  • I fear that I'm going to be the tallest person in Guatemala. I have yet to meet a Guatemalan over 5'6". Please pray that this is not the case.
  • Pray that I remember to keep my mouth closed in the shower. I can't drink the water or else. I don't even know what "or else" means, but I can tell you that it won't be good.
  • Pray that the food is good. Not necessarily TOO good, or we could have an issue on our hands. And by "we," I mean "me." And by "our hands," I mean "my thighs."
Unfortunately, I don't have my address yet... and I don't think I will until I get down there. But once I get it, I do hope that you will write me a letter. I feel as though there's something romantic about writing letters, and I want that... no matter who you are!

I won't have a phone, but I will definately have the Internet... i.e. Facebook and Skype. I have a feeling I'm going to become very familiar with Skype this summer.. I'll be needing to talk to some native English-speakers, for sure.

I also plan on updating my blog frequently while I'm down there... so you can follow my travels and read my rambling thoughts on them. Lucky you!

In conclusion, you have multiple modes of contacting me: skype, video chat, facebook, blog, email, hand-written letter, carrier pigeon, etc. So, I don't want any excuses about not being able to keep in contact with me!

Confession of the Month - May Edition

In Mrs. Fortner's 8th grade Life Science class, everyone had to paint a picture of a particular mammal for a class project. I chose to paint a horse. I figured it couldn't be TOO hard, right? Four legs, a snout (?), a mane... piece of cake. Think again. You see, the problem arose when I discovered that the Lord had not blessed me with an artistic capacity, especially not in the area of painting. Even at a young age, water-colors were never my thing. So, after sketching several horses (or what were supposed to be horses), I took matters into my own hands... actually, into someone else's hands.

Confession: I bought a paint-by-number of a horse at Hobby Lobby, painted it, and turned it in. I even signed my initials on the bottom-right corner. Mrs. Fortner must have missed the apprehension on my face as I turned in "my" painting. In fact, she thought it was so good that she showed it off to the entire class. Needlesstosay, I got an A. And I never told anyone... until now, that is. See for yourself:

Looking back, how was this even close to being deceptive? I shouldn't have merely been given an A... I should have been shipped off to an prestigious Art Institue to further my career as an artist. Clearly, I had a gift.
Apart from the horses, I'm not sure which is my favorite part... the sunset or the little bird.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Identity Crisis

I got accused of being "Emo" the other day. I'm not sure what the criterion is for being "emo," but I'm farily certain that I'm not. And upon closer review, I can safely say that I'm definately not.

I began by formulating a hypothesis using the proper "If/Then" format. It reads, "If you think that Johanna Sawatski is emo, then you are wrong." After extensive research and experimentation, I proved myself right... and the accuser wrong.

I decided to log my research into a chart for easier review:

Poetry: Guilty: I’ve been known to write a poem or two. Innocent: My poetry comes in more of a Dr. Suess style. It lacks emotional substance and, therefore, cannot be considered emo.

Music: Guilty: I enjoy music more than most things in life, and I love finding new bands. I prefer the term “eclectic” rather than “indie” to describe my taste in music. Innocent: I also listen to Country and Broadway musical soundtracks.

Clothing: Guilty: I shop at Urban Outfitters. Innocent: I also shop at Old Navy.

Guitar: Guilty: I play a little guitar. Innocent: Which consists mostly of 3 chord worship songs.

Hair Color: Guilty: Someone once told me my hair was black. Innocent: Newsflash: my hair is brown. Wednesday Adams has black hair. I do not.

Skinny Jeans: Guilty: I own some. Innocent: I'm a girl, so it's allowed.

Eye-Liner: Guilty: I use it. Innocent: Again, I'm a girl.

Sports: I like them.

Life: I like it.

Hope: I have it.

As you can see, there are some disputable areas. But for future reference... before you accuse someone of being somthing that they're not, consider what you are doing to them. PROFILING. And wrongly so. A few days ago, I was a victim of "profiling." I faced an identity crisis for 3 days until my tests were complete. And yet again, science proved that I'm right.