Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Googling yourself never ends well.

That is, unless you are my brother.

I'm a questioner. I ask a lot of questions, and I'll be the first to admit that I don't always have all the answers. As a result, Google and I have grown close over the years and have shared many a search together in my never-ending quest for knowledge. In fact, I turn to Google on a multiple-times-a-day basis. And Google has always proven to be a faithful compainion... that is until I decided to type my name in the search bar. (Note: I don't Google myself often. I just wanted to see what would come up if a future employer was to do so.) It was then that I realized that unless my future employer is concerned that I once came in 50th place in the Lake Hamilton Cross Country Invitational in the 8th grade, Google doesn't really have much to offer as far as I'm conerned. Crisis averted.

But then it hit me. I think it was when I noticed the little line at the top of the page that read, "Did you mean 'Jay Sawatski'?" Ouch. Touche, Google... all these years of me asking you questions, and you fire back with one question that is capable of completely blowing my self-esteem. So here's your answer: No, Google, I didn't mean Jay Sawatski. I typed "Johanna"... and I meant it. Leave the questioning to me next time, capiche?

Now that that is behind us, I'll save you some time. I'm sure you all are feeling the need to Google my name right about now, so here's a list of everything my future employer and you need to know about Johanna Sawatski (according to Google):

1. I have a Facebook account. Which proves that I am normal. It's the ones without Facebook that you need to worry about.

2. PigSooie. I made the Razorback Diamond Dolls in the Fall of 2006.

3. The Pulaski Acadmey bulletin announces that Johanna Sawatski has won the Most Improved Player award for golf... To which I should go ahead and let everyone know that I really didn't improve THAT much... just happened to be the only one who had the most room for improvement. But, this goes to show that I'm aware of my weaknesses, and I do whatever it takes to make myself look less weak.

4. I scored 9 points against Batesville in what was probably a meaningless game of basketball. But there's an article about it, and my name was mentioned. Twice.

5. It only gets better from here. I scored 11 points in a game over Lamar in the AAA Regional Basketball tournament. I quote, "A basket by Johanna Sawatski with 1.5 seconds to play give the Lady Bruins a 21-18 halftime lead." This goes to show that I play well under pressure.

6. I came in 50th place in a Junior High Cross Country meet with a time of 11:50.07. This is concrete evidence that even though I sometimes suffer defeat and also that I'm not very fast, I always finish the race.. in my own time.

7. My teacher once made me submit a poem into an online poetry contest. And it is apparently still online for the world to enjoy. And now, I post it here, for you to enjoy... My rantings as a 7th grader:

What ever happened
To school being easy?
All This information
Is making me queasy

My teacher about kills me
Every day in his class
He explains nothing
And expects me to pass

I really hate school
I honestly do
I wish it would leave me alone
And I'd do the same to it too

Every day gets
Even more long
All of my answers
Get even more wrong

So as for school
I've had about enough
It simply got
A little too tough

by: Johanna Sawatski

Keep in mind that I was in 7th grade. And was frustrated. I still tend to vent sometimes in poetry form. But that's why it's a good thing to hire me! No matter how frustrated I get, I don't give up. I just rhyme it out. So for future reference, if I start speaking to you in limericks, it's probably a cue that you need to apologize to me. Just a heads up.

After reading all 7 Hits for "Johanna Sawatski," I tip my hat to you, Google. You captured my character perfectly. I wouldn't change a thing. And your reminder to me that I am not, in fact, "Jay Sawatski" only serves to keep me humble... Because it's no secret that the list of my accomplishments on Google could easily go to my head. So thank you Google, for reminding me that no matter how much I accomplish in life, I will always live in the shadow of my older brother.

Friday, April 24, 2009

In the words of Jesse McCartney

With exam week rapidly approaching, I find myself swarmed with school work and other petty issues. Sometimes, life can get pretty rough. It's in time like these I like to heed the advice of a very wise young man. So, for those of you in similar situations (no matter how big or little the issue), I want to take this opportunity to pass on this little nugget of a life lesson... In the words of Jesse McCartney, "Don't Stress. Don't Stress. Don't Stress."

I'd like to preface this by saying that this video is not for the faint of heart. It is for the light of heart. Enjoy and begin your journey to emotional stability.


Sunday, April 12, 2009

A Lyrical Analysis

"Summer Girls" - written and performed by LFO (short for, Lyte Funky Ones)

Yeah...I like it when the girls stop by.. In the summer
Do you remember, Do you remember?...when we met..That summer??

No, I don't remember, but I fear that you're going to refresh my memory with your lyrical masterpiece that makes little to no sense at all. So here's to you, LFO... humor me.

New Kids On The block, had a bunch of hits (unlike you, whose only got the one)
Chinese food makes me sick. (Not as sick as this song makes me)
And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer (Winter, Fall, or Spring?)
I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch, (so, you're interested in middle-schoolers)
I'd take her if I had one wish,
But she's been gone since that summer.. Since that summer (see video for WHY she's probably gone)

Hip Hop Marmalade, spic and span, (It doesn't happen often, but this line stumped me... LFO: 1, Johanna: off the charts)
Met you one summer and it all began
You're the best girl that I ever did see,
The great Larry Bird Jersey 33 (This song is almost justified by including my favorite white NBA player of all time.)
When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet
Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets (Maybe he can give you some tips)
Call me Willy Whistle cause I can't speak baby (Lots of meaningless words for someone who can't talk)
Something in your eyes went and drove me crazy (Hypnosis?)
Now I can't forget you and it makes me mad,
Left one day and never came back
Stayed all summer then went back home,
Macauly Culkin wasn't Home Alone (with Michael Jackson, perhaps)
Fell deep in love, but now we ain't speaking (because no one can understand you)
Michael J Fox was Alex P. Keaton (I had to Google this... wasting more of my time)
When I met you I said my name was Rich (Does that work on all the ladies?)
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch (I'm 21 years old. And a little offended.)


I just Googled "Rich from LFO" and found out that he was recently diagnosed with leukemia. So, now I just feel like a terrible person and will refrain from the rest of the analysis. But some damage has already been done... By my lyrical review, hopefully not by the cancer. Godspeed, brother.

So rather than continuing with a complete lyrical review, I just wanted to make sure to highlight the 2 verses in this song that really speak to me.

There was a good man named Paul Revere
I feel much better baby when you're near

Summertime girls are the kind of like,
I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike

Do what you will with these. I can't afford to lose anymore jewels in my heavenly crown with this post.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

The Art of Intramurals

Let me preface this by saying that it's no secret that humility is one of my best qualities. So upon reading this, keep in mind that I'm not trying to come across as "braggy". It's also no secret that our team won 4 of 4 Sorority Division Championships this past season. So not only did we win complete bragging rights (which I humbly choose not to excercise), we also have won ourselves the same Intramural Championship t-shirt in 4 different colors. Aside from sheer athleticism, one should not underestimate the power of strategy. Let me explain... sport by sport.

Flag Football - most strategy required

- Find a coach - It all starts with a good coach. Scratch that, it starts with recruiting an athletic team and is followed by finding a good coach. In our case, a great coach. Former Razorback Football players, such as ours, tend to have the most success in leading their teams to victory. Our coach, quite conventiently, happens to be the brother of our star quarterback, Sarah Scott. Coach Scott successfully put in a No-Huddle offense this year, which made us absolutely leathal.

- Arrive early - Showing up early shows both your dedication to the sport and also allows you to be the first to sign in... Therefore, getting first dibs on your color of flags. Blue flags worked the best for us because they blend in with our navy t-shirts. Obscuring the opposing team's vision is one of many tactics used by our team.

- Flirt with the refs - When the referees call for Captains before the game starts, it is incredibly benneficial to send the best flirter, not necessarily the best player. However, one must be cautious. There is a fine line between flirting in good taste and coming across like you are using them for a good call. Which, ultimately, is exactly what you are doing. You must keep a certain amount of distance, because you don't want to get too attached to a ref. Out there, it's all business... BUT you can't put a price on a good call. It's a dog eat dog world. All is fair in love and intramurals. And other cliche things.

All this to say, anyone of our team members could be considered Captain for the day, depending on the referee. We all have that one ref out there that has stolen our hearts. (Sidenote: if you get a girl referee, you're toast... and you can disregard everything I've said up to this point.)

Referee Breakdown: (Nicknames are used because we do not, in fact, know these people's names. It goes back to our strategy of keeping a certain amount of distance.)

- "Beady Eyes" - Properly named. He is the worst... you know, the Organic Chemistry of college, the chicken-pox, the socks with crocs combo, the band-aid in the pool, the Hitler of the Flag Football world. Impossible to flirt with. No girl experience what-so-ever. If he is the referee of the night, you can count your losses.

- "The Man in Charge" - Easy to flirt with, but old. Borderline pedophile. He's the cliche flirter that constantly puts you down. Verbally abusive in a way. But if you get hurt, he's the one you can count on... the one you HAVE to count on, because he runs the place.

- "Ponytail" - cue Sarah Scott, "I have never known a love so true. Something about the pulled back ringlet curls and partially exposed 3-d star tattoos just does it for me. At first read I thought he was the teddy bear type. It wasn't until I saw the tattoo creepin out of the jail bird shirt that I pieced together that he was a bad-boy. How do you approach a ref like this? Let him make the first move. Flirt with all of the other refs and just shoot him a grin or two. This gets him to think "why isn't she flirting with me? I'm obviously the cutest guy here (which he is... trust me) and it will just drive him nuts until he makes a crappy call that you can playfully comment on or a good call that you can comment on, too. Ponytail is best off the court... afterwards you can usually expect him to be picking up trash or something somewhere near you where he will say "Almost had em on that last shot" or "I was rootin' for ya"... something like this. He has a sweet heart... just gotta let him make the first verbal move ;) And I saw him on campus wearing chacos, kakhi rolled man-preez, green shirt, hair down, backpack with a Green Party button.... and I'm pretty sure he was sharing the gospel with a foreign exchange student.... He also grew 7 inches and had dark hair. Then he asked me to marry him and his name turned out to be Tim Tebow..."

Ok, Johanna here. Well said, Sarah. I'd like to mention that if Tim Tebow ever stumbles across this blog, this next line is for him: Tim, your future wife is right here in Arkansas... and her name is Sarah Scott.

Moving on.

- "Neanderthal" - Let me start by saying, Neanderthal loves me. And vice-versa. Neanderthal has the body of a basketball god and the face (I hate to say it) of a Neanderthal... which I am obviously willing to over-look. Love makes room for faults.

- "Blondie" - He and Katie Fisher have a history. Circa Fall 2006, Blondie was there when Katie's pants got ripped off by an overly-agressive opponent. Let me say that these pants were not just ripped, they were shredded. It's one of those issues that no one brings up, but everyone remebers it happening, especially Blondie.

- "Cankles" - Last but certainly not least. This guy is the best ref in intramural history. A little hard to flirt with because he is a man of the law. He knows the rules, and he is sticks to them. He is impartial and fair, and he surely has a bright future in Professional Referee-ing.

5-on-5 & 3-on-3 Basketball: Strategies from above also apply.

- Wear Actual Basketball shorts - It's a proven fact that girls who wear short-shorts to play basketball look stupid. They look stupid, and they usually lose.

- Sweatbands - Here's my theory on sweatbands: you can never have enough. Around the head, around the wrist, above the elbow, or all of the above. Sweatbands confuse people. Opponents don't know whether to think that you are hardcore or if you are just joking around.

- Kill em with kindness - There's no better way to make people mad than to kill them with kindness. When they start to mouth off to you or to the refs, a smile in their general direction usually does the trick to send them into a fit of rage. Also, when you're winning and the opposing team makes a good play, complement them. "Nice shot, girl." That way, when we pommel them into the ground, they can't have any hard feelings after the game is over.

So there you have it, folks. After 3 years of Intramurals, our team has the strategy down to an art... and we have 4 t-shirts to prove it.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Goodbye, My Almost Lover

I miss the days when Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez was my biggest celebrity crush. He had everything I ever wanted: dark hair, dark skin, a love for baseball, and you could always count on him to get out of a pickle. Our future together looked good. That is until my sister swooped in and snatched him from me. I had to keep my love for The Jet a secret because Carla, being the eldest sister, had already claimed him. I hid my love for The Jet and convinced my sister that I had a thing for Alan "Yeah-Yeah" McClennan, even though The Jet and were clearly more compatible.

A pattern of this soon became common in our household. Carla stole Rocky from 3 Ninjas from me and forced me to settle for the slightly less attractive younger brother, Colt. Kindly, I backed down and let her move in on Rocky. I led Colt on, all the while having feelings for his older brother... but I can't say that I regret it. Even though Colt and I shared a bond by both sporting a blonde bowl cut for much of our childhood, it didn't work out in the end.

All this to say, Carla may be the reason I don't have a boyfriend. You're killing me, Smalls. (I can say that because I'm taller than you.)

More examples of love lost:
Junior - Little Giants
I've been told that I resembled the Icebox as a kid, and I'm certain it would've worked out for me and Devon Sawa. I usually don't go for blondes, so now I understand why it didn't. For a clip of my childhood reality, click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xeSyEloafyU). Don't worry, Icebox... I, too, was 1 of 3 girls in my grade who didn't try out for the 7th grade Pep Squad.

Michael Maxwell - Hangtime (pictured, bottom left)
I had a dream of being the girl that got to play on the all-boys basketball team, got to play on 9-foot goals, and got to date Michael. I believe her name was Julie, but it might as well have been Johanna. Some girls get all the luck. I'll always remember Michael Maxwell and what might have been.
1. I apparently had a thing for guys with middle-parts.
2. All these crushes involve guys who are more athletic than I am. Athletic = Attractive.
3. My favorite movies as an adult haven't changed since I was a kid.
4. I'm nicer than Carla.
5. Benny, I've been waiting on you FOR.EV.ER.

Friday, April 3, 2009

April Foolery

As most of you hopefully have realized, April is upon us. With it's arrival comes a month-long tradition that my roommates and I have deemed "April Foolery month"... Thirty days of practical jokes. Though, I would hardly call our jokes "practical." In fact, I like to think that our pranks are quite inventive and IMpractical. But I guess that's just what I get for thinking.
(see post-it-noted truck below)

You might be thinking that post-it-noting a truck is impossible to top... And you would be right. Hence, the dilemma we have been facing this year. How is it possible to top something so awesome, so time-consuming, and so colorful? After a night of brainstorming, we found our answer: it can't be done. SO, rather than trying to live up to our legacy of last year by pulling a prank of such magnitude, we have spread ourselves thinner in order to reach a larger demographic.

Unforutunately, I cannot disclose the pranks that we have pulled thus far for confidentiality purposes. What I CAN do, is list some of the better pranks that have been pulled on us. In no specific order of awesomeness:

1. My roommate's car was put for sale on Craigslist. She got 4 calls from people interested in purchasing a 2001 Hundai Santa Fe before she realized what had been done.

2. Our friend forwarded all of his phonecalls to another friend's phone. He sent roughly 50 text messages for people to call him... all of which were forwarded to someone else's phone.

3. A girl that lives in our house convinced all of us that she was pregnant. Keep in mind that I am not easily fooled, but this girl was very convincing. You see, she works at a health clinic and, apparently, had access to a pregnant lady's urine sample. After 3 pregnancy tests, she had fooled us all. Slightly gross, but slightly more awesome. My hat's off to you. Fooled me once, shame on you. Yada yada, you know the rest.

Four days of April Foolery have proved successful. I look forward to the 26 days to come. That is both a threat and a challenge.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Upon venturing into the blogging community, I've found it difficult to know where to begin. After all, the most I can offer you, dear reader, is 21 years of good times and good stories. The way I see it, everything in life can either be a good time or a good story... I strive for both. You must know that this is a big step for me. I've got things to say, and before, I had no outlet to do so. And let's be honest, Facebook wastes too much of my time. (SOLUTION: channel my wasted time into another outlet.) I know you're probably thinking, "Johanna, you're too young to have a blog. So many years of perfectly good Facebooking ahead of you." Calm down, you're right! I am young and have AT LEAST 2-3 solid years of acceptable Facebooking left to do. I have no intention of disabling my Facebook, but I fear that there are certain issues that the Facebook community is simply not ready for. But mostly, I fear becoming a Facebook "note-writer". Call me insecure, but it is what it is. And, again, I have things to say.

I often find myself wondering how people have become the way that they are. Even more prevalent would be the question of WHY people do the things that they do. Rest assured, I do not take answering the most basic of life's mysteries lightly. But I will start with something simple. Something befuddling. Something that happend at the Dixie Cafe.

I was eating at the Dixie Cafe yesterday with a couple of friends (Maggie and Leah, who else?) when, lo and behold, I saw something I never care to see again. A couple (teenage boy and girl) sitting on the same side of the booth with no one across from them. I almost blamed this on their youth and ignorance of how relationships operate, but then I saw the same thing 3 booths down... an older couple this time. I mean, I make no claims of being a relationship expert, but this is bothersome to me. I couldn't help but wonder what these people's motivation was. I guess I'm just the kind of person who prefers looking at someone I'm talking to. I guess I'm also the kind who enjoys elbow room. Call me crazy. I call me normal... Strikingly normal.

NOTE TO FUTURE BOYFRIEND: don't try to sit next to me in a booth. You will get called out.